Christ almighty, you're not going to believe this one.
I've started ANOTHER blog.
Because after I started this one...I sort of, kind of got pregnant. With twins, none the less!
Turns out, the zombie apocalypse ain't got NOTHIN' on the baby apocalypse.
So I'm blogging about it here.
Go visit it.
Or not.
Whatever. I'm too busy trying to squeeze into my last pair of non-stretchy-waistband jeans to care.
(Okay, that's a lie. I do care. Go visit me so I don't feel like a complete sham for having so many half-assed blogs)
Smooches
Lily
Friday, June 10, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Excuses, and a Sickening Valentine's Day Tribute
Surely you must all be convinced that I've been eaten by a zombie.
Because why else would I abandon this blog for so long?
Well, allow me to assure that I have not...in fact...been eaten by a zombie.
Work, however, has chased me down, grabbed ahold of me, and bitten down like a fat kid on a cheeseburger.
For realz.
I've just been though my little freelance writing version of hell week. I crammed about 3 weeks' worth of projects into 6 days, and although the checks, whenever they are sent, will surely make it all worth it, for now, I'm simply spent.
I sat down at this computer ready to work, after a glorious 1-day vacation from hell week. But my brain has decided that work simply won't be on the agenda this morning.
And so here I am, visiting this blog after a nearly two-week hiatus.
But today? I'm not going to talk about zombies.
Those of you who visit strictly for the zombie content (as opposed to the delightfully saucy and well-thought-out prose) will want to shamble along.
Because today, of course, is Valentine's Day. And impending zombie apocalypse or not, I have an AMAZING husband who deserves a little credit.
It's hard to describe what makes him so amazing. Not because there are so few attributes to list, but because there are so many. Sure, everybody wants to find someone who treats them well. Someone who will cook them dinner AND clean the dishes, just because you're having an "off" day and would rather just sit down. Someone who will leave you cards and little notes, just because. Someone who will see each and every flaw that you possess and still firmly believe that you are the greatest thing to ever walked the planet (temper tantrums and all).
And of course, everybody also wants to find someone who makes their heart race just by looking at them. Someone who can kiss you and cause lightning to jolt through through your body. Someone who can be wearing a ratty pair of jeans and that shirt that you just HATE and still...STILL...look so handsom that your stomach flutters with butterflies, even though you're married and married people aren't supposed to feel that way.
Not to mention the fact that everybody wants a friend. Not just any friend, but a best friend. A person who knows you inside and out. A person you can get silly and crazy with. A person who will know when to cheer you up and when to just hold you and let you cry. A person who you truly and honestly like more than any other person in the world. A person who will be there for you 'till the end of time.
It is a lucky woman who finds all three qualities - and more - in her partner. I am beyond fortunate that I met a man so honerable, so kind, so wonderful as to be my soul mate. Because that's really what my husband is to me. A soul mate. A person who makes me feel more whole than I ever though I could when we're together, and inevitably takes something, some...part...of me with him when he leaves. A person who makes life worth living, even in its darkest hours. A person who you would rather spend 5 minutes loving than a lifetime of being alone. A person to love forever.
This is my husband. This is my friend and partner. My love and my soul mate. This love did not come into our lives easily, but every trial...every challenge...every obstacle that I had to rip and claw and bleed my way through to find him? Well, I'd do it a hundred times over, just for a glimpse of his face...for the feel of his touch.
Happy Valentine'd Day, my love. You will forever have my heart <3
Because why else would I abandon this blog for so long?
Well, allow me to assure that I have not...in fact...been eaten by a zombie.
Work, however, has chased me down, grabbed ahold of me, and bitten down like a fat kid on a cheeseburger.
For realz.
I've just been though my little freelance writing version of hell week. I crammed about 3 weeks' worth of projects into 6 days, and although the checks, whenever they are sent, will surely make it all worth it, for now, I'm simply spent.
I sat down at this computer ready to work, after a glorious 1-day vacation from hell week. But my brain has decided that work simply won't be on the agenda this morning.
And so here I am, visiting this blog after a nearly two-week hiatus.
But today? I'm not going to talk about zombies.
Those of you who visit strictly for the zombie content (as opposed to the delightfully saucy and well-thought-out prose) will want to shamble along.
Because today, of course, is Valentine's Day. And impending zombie apocalypse or not, I have an AMAZING husband who deserves a little credit.
It's hard to describe what makes him so amazing. Not because there are so few attributes to list, but because there are so many. Sure, everybody wants to find someone who treats them well. Someone who will cook them dinner AND clean the dishes, just because you're having an "off" day and would rather just sit down. Someone who will leave you cards and little notes, just because. Someone who will see each and every flaw that you possess and still firmly believe that you are the greatest thing to ever walked the planet (temper tantrums and all).
And of course, everybody also wants to find someone who makes their heart race just by looking at them. Someone who can kiss you and cause lightning to jolt through through your body. Someone who can be wearing a ratty pair of jeans and that shirt that you just HATE and still...STILL...look so handsom that your stomach flutters with butterflies, even though you're married and married people aren't supposed to feel that way.
Not to mention the fact that everybody wants a friend. Not just any friend, but a best friend. A person who knows you inside and out. A person you can get silly and crazy with. A person who will know when to cheer you up and when to just hold you and let you cry. A person who you truly and honestly like more than any other person in the world. A person who will be there for you 'till the end of time.
It is a lucky woman who finds all three qualities - and more - in her partner. I am beyond fortunate that I met a man so honerable, so kind, so wonderful as to be my soul mate. Because that's really what my husband is to me. A soul mate. A person who makes me feel more whole than I ever though I could when we're together, and inevitably takes something, some...part...of me with him when he leaves. A person who makes life worth living, even in its darkest hours. A person who you would rather spend 5 minutes loving than a lifetime of being alone. A person to love forever.
This is my husband. This is my friend and partner. My love and my soul mate. This love did not come into our lives easily, but every trial...every challenge...every obstacle that I had to rip and claw and bleed my way through to find him? Well, I'd do it a hundred times over, just for a glimpse of his face...for the feel of his touch.
Happy Valentine'd Day, my love. You will forever have my heart <3
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Home Improvement...For The Zombies
I've come to the conclusion that zombies wouldn't approve of my kitchen walls, which are no less than 5 different colors at the moment. I also don't think they'd approve of my kitchen cabinets, which are a disagreeable shade of green that was applied on top of a coat of varnish, causing the paint to scratch if you so much as look at it the wrong way (and I've been known to give my cabinets the 'stink eye' on many an occasion).
My husband has come to a similar conclusion about the living room, which has a wall directly in between the fireplace and the rest of the house that causes the living room to heat to a balmy 84 degrees while the back bedrooms exist in a state of sub-artic permafrost.
Zombies, he says, cannot STAND inefficient heating and cooling.
So this month's zombie preparedness strategy will consist of sanding, staining, painting, and one giant-ass hole cut into the sheetrock.
We do this sometimes.
We talk for months...nay...years on end about this or that home improvement project, and then one day, for no clear reason, we run in, guns blazing, ready to go balls deep in this bitch of a house.
It's magical.
We crank up the tunes, put on our crappiest pair of jeans, and throw ourselves into a project as if the Devil himself was whipping us forward.
And then, a few weeks later, we're suddenly all, "woah, it's mountain biking season" and our house stays in the exact condition at which it was left on that fated day.
No...seriously.
Observe the half-sanded wall that we couldn't manage to fix for our wedding day:
Also observe that I can't manage to put my cake down to kiss my new husband.
In either case....ridic.
But that's how we roll.
And as long as we're both okay with it, the marriage stays reasonably happy, albeit in a state of relative chaos.
It's not that my house is a mess, I tell people, it's just a lot of different colors and textures and there's a lot of the outdoors inside.
But the zombies...yeah...they hate that shit.
So to prevent the zombies from flying into a rage, I'll fix the kitchen.
Because we all know that the only thing worse than a zombie is a zombie whose sense of style has been offended.
Makes 'em bite harder.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Consequences Of Un-Following My Blog (And Cake!)
So, I had this whole post worked out about how I lost a follower.
It started out like this:
I don't want to alarm you guys, but one of you was just eaten by a zombie.
I'm not exactly sure which one of you it was, so I'll simply refer to him or her as Follower 13.
You see, I had 13 followers.
...Now I have 12.
Clearly, Follower 13 was attacked and consumed by zombies.
...etc, etc, etc (because why ELSE would someone choose to stop following my blog?)
But now I have a new Follower 13 (hey there!), so this post won't really work.
Still, my heart goes out the family of the OLD Follower 13...losing a loved one in such a manner can't be easy.
But on the bright side, Old Follower 13 is probably still out there, shambling around in search of human flesh, slowly rotting away and being consumed by maggots.
Mazel tov
*****
In other news, my zombie preparedness strategy has hit a small snafu. You see, a crucial fascet of my plan was to exercise regularly so that I could be in tip-top shape when the zombies came. Granted, I haven't blogged much about it, but those of you who know me know that exercise is a pretty standard part of my life anyway, so running to the laptop everytime I did a session on EA Sports Active seemed like a huge waste of resources.
[Sidenote: for those of you wanting to get in shape so you can evade zombies with ease (while looking fantastic in a 2-piece), I highly recommend EA Sports Active for Wii. I'm in decent shape, and it is kicking my ass while keeping me highly motivated. I give EA Sports Active 4 out of 4 zombie heads on a stick]
Unfortunately, I've been recently advised by my doctor to gain some weight.
Now...I don't want you guys to think that I'm one of those big-headed anorexic chicks who looks like a lollipop or anything. Let me assure you that I have a healthy BMI and even a little bit of "junk in the trunk."
However, due to some medical issues, it's been recommended that maybe I gain 5 or 10 pounds. Those of you who used to read my old blog will know why. And to you newcomers, I apologize for the secrecy, but it's a long story and I'm just not really in the mood to go there.
But....
You see my problem.
Exercise = consumption of calories = no weight gain (and possible decrease in BMI)
It's an interesting dilemma, to be sure. While I've never worked out specifically to lose weight, I've also never really been told to gain weight by anyone other than by my husband, who likes a little more "cushion for the pushin'," as it were. But to be told by a doctor (well, 2 doctors, actually) that I should gain a few extra pounds.
Weird.
And, essentially, a prescription to eat cake.
WIN
So no more rigorous exercise for me right now, other than walking and maybe some yoga. Fortunately, according to The Zombie Combat Manual, walking is really all you need to do to escape zombies, provided that you walk faster than 3 mph.
Also, if I gain some weight, I could possibly transition from an Ectocombatant to a Mesocombatant.
You see, Ectocombatants have wiry frames and lean physiques. Their strenghts are speed, stealth and endurance (to which I say "HAH, have you ever seen me try to run more than a mile?!?"), and their liabilities are a lack of strenght and power, and extremely low body fat, which means that when food supplies run low, they'll be the first to suffer.
On the other hand, Mesocombatants have athletic, solid musculature. They have a balanced level of strenght and speed, with a little more padding to spare. According to The Zombie Combat Manual, they are essentially the most likely to succeed in the zombie apocalypse.
So, while I might be losing some strenght and endurance with this new lifestyle, I'll also be storing a bit more adipose tissue that I can use if food becomes scarce.
Would Roger Ma approve? I'm not sure.
All I know is that there's a cake in the fridge with my name on it.
Yanno...Doctor's orders....
It started out like this:
I don't want to alarm you guys, but one of you was just eaten by a zombie.
I'm not exactly sure which one of you it was, so I'll simply refer to him or her as Follower 13.
You see, I had 13 followers.
...Now I have 12.
Clearly, Follower 13 was attacked and consumed by zombies.
...etc, etc, etc (because why ELSE would someone choose to stop following my blog?)
But now I have a new Follower 13 (hey there!), so this post won't really work.
Still, my heart goes out the family of the OLD Follower 13...losing a loved one in such a manner can't be easy.
But on the bright side, Old Follower 13 is probably still out there, shambling around in search of human flesh, slowly rotting away and being consumed by maggots.
Mazel tov
*****
In other news, my zombie preparedness strategy has hit a small snafu. You see, a crucial fascet of my plan was to exercise regularly so that I could be in tip-top shape when the zombies came. Granted, I haven't blogged much about it, but those of you who know me know that exercise is a pretty standard part of my life anyway, so running to the laptop everytime I did a session on EA Sports Active seemed like a huge waste of resources.
[Sidenote: for those of you wanting to get in shape so you can evade zombies with ease (while looking fantastic in a 2-piece), I highly recommend EA Sports Active for Wii. I'm in decent shape, and it is kicking my ass while keeping me highly motivated. I give EA Sports Active 4 out of 4 zombie heads on a stick]
Unfortunately, I've been recently advised by my doctor to gain some weight.
Now...I don't want you guys to think that I'm one of those big-headed anorexic chicks who looks like a lollipop or anything. Let me assure you that I have a healthy BMI and even a little bit of "junk in the trunk."
However, due to some medical issues, it's been recommended that maybe I gain 5 or 10 pounds. Those of you who used to read my old blog will know why. And to you newcomers, I apologize for the secrecy, but it's a long story and I'm just not really in the mood to go there.
But....
You see my problem.
Exercise = consumption of calories = no weight gain (and possible decrease in BMI)
It's an interesting dilemma, to be sure. While I've never worked out specifically to lose weight, I've also never really been told to gain weight by anyone other than by my husband, who likes a little more "cushion for the pushin'," as it were. But to be told by a doctor (well, 2 doctors, actually) that I should gain a few extra pounds.
Weird.
And, essentially, a prescription to eat cake.
WIN
So no more rigorous exercise for me right now, other than walking and maybe some yoga. Fortunately, according to The Zombie Combat Manual, walking is really all you need to do to escape zombies, provided that you walk faster than 3 mph.
Also, if I gain some weight, I could possibly transition from an Ectocombatant to a Mesocombatant.
You see, Ectocombatants have wiry frames and lean physiques. Their strenghts are speed, stealth and endurance (to which I say "HAH, have you ever seen me try to run more than a mile?!?"), and their liabilities are a lack of strenght and power, and extremely low body fat, which means that when food supplies run low, they'll be the first to suffer.
On the other hand, Mesocombatants have athletic, solid musculature. They have a balanced level of strenght and speed, with a little more padding to spare. According to The Zombie Combat Manual, they are essentially the most likely to succeed in the zombie apocalypse.
So, while I might be losing some strenght and endurance with this new lifestyle, I'll also be storing a bit more adipose tissue that I can use if food becomes scarce.
Would Roger Ma approve? I'm not sure.
All I know is that there's a cake in the fridge with my name on it.
Yanno...Doctor's orders....
Stink Bugs: The Mini Zombie Apocalypse
So, you guys...
I can't help but notice that the zombie apocalypse has kind of, sort of started in my house in the form of a much less deadly but equally creepy stink bug invasion.
How are stink bugs like zombies, you ask?
FACT:
The stink bugs are amassing an army of slow-moving soldiers intent on coming in to my house. Fortunately, unlike zombies, once they're in my house they dont really *do* anything (other than fly into lights and drop unexpectedly into my salad). But that's beside the point.
FACT:
Stink bugs are hardy and difficult to kill. We caught one and put it in with our snake, Holiday, and he lived, not moving or eating, for about 2 weeks before he - we believe - took his own life in Holiday's water bowel. And last night I threw one in the toilet, closed the lid, and flushed. Sure enough - the little fucker was still in there this morning. I'm pretty sure if you tried to flush a zombie down the toilet he'd still be there in the morning, which is essentially proof positive that zombies and stink bugs are practically the same entity.
Stink bugs = Zombies of the insect world.
I'm honestly about as unprepared to deal with the stink bug apocalypse as I am with the zombie apocalypse. I have no weapons, other than my bare hands and eeew, I didn't get married to kill my own bugs. I have no real safe haven, as they apparently have access to every room in the house. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), civilization has not ceased as we know it, but I'm pretty stink bugs have successfully irritated about 99% of Americans at this point, which has to count for something, doesn't it?
So if this is a zombie apocalypse test, I must admit I failed miserably, and they have broached both my homestead and my delicious salad.
But this uneasy truce that we have developed - this agreement that, when they appear, I squint at them judgingly and warn them that when my husband gets home, there will be hell to pay...
I can't help but wonder if it might be applicable with zombies.
Like, they bust in my house and I'm all, "well, you can hang out and watch TV I guess, but when my husband gets home, he is TOTALLY going to hit you in the face with a shovel. Here...have some chips"
Whatever - I don't really know where I'm going with this. Suffice to say, neither zombies nor stink bugs are welcome in my home, and if I see either of them, I'm going to flush them down the toilet.
There. I have a plan. WIN.
I can't help but notice that the zombie apocalypse has kind of, sort of started in my house in the form of a much less deadly but equally creepy stink bug invasion.
How are stink bugs like zombies, you ask?
FACT:
The stink bugs are amassing an army of slow-moving soldiers intent on coming in to my house. Fortunately, unlike zombies, once they're in my house they dont really *do* anything (other than fly into lights and drop unexpectedly into my salad). But that's beside the point.
FACT:
Stink bugs are hardy and difficult to kill. We caught one and put it in with our snake, Holiday, and he lived, not moving or eating, for about 2 weeks before he - we believe - took his own life in Holiday's water bowel. And last night I threw one in the toilet, closed the lid, and flushed. Sure enough - the little fucker was still in there this morning. I'm pretty sure if you tried to flush a zombie down the toilet he'd still be there in the morning, which is essentially proof positive that zombies and stink bugs are practically the same entity.
Stink bugs = Zombies of the insect world.
I'm honestly about as unprepared to deal with the stink bug apocalypse as I am with the zombie apocalypse. I have no weapons, other than my bare hands and eeew, I didn't get married to kill my own bugs. I have no real safe haven, as they apparently have access to every room in the house. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), civilization has not ceased as we know it, but I'm pretty stink bugs have successfully irritated about 99% of Americans at this point, which has to count for something, doesn't it?
So if this is a zombie apocalypse test, I must admit I failed miserably, and they have broached both my homestead and my delicious salad.
But this uneasy truce that we have developed - this agreement that, when they appear, I squint at them judgingly and warn them that when my husband gets home, there will be hell to pay...
I can't help but wonder if it might be applicable with zombies.
Like, they bust in my house and I'm all, "well, you can hang out and watch TV I guess, but when my husband gets home, he is TOTALLY going to hit you in the face with a shovel. Here...have some chips"
Whatever - I don't really know where I'm going with this. Suffice to say, neither zombies nor stink bugs are welcome in my home, and if I see either of them, I'm going to flush them down the toilet.
There. I have a plan. WIN.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Skillz Unrelated To Zombie Killing (But Valuable None The Less)
Allright.
So I realize that things haven't been very active around here, zombie-wise or other.
I could argue that I didn't have time to blog because I was too busy practicing my zombie head removal technique and digging a moat around the house, but we all know that would be a lie.
In truth, I've been spending the last week working, cleaning the house, and catching up with old friends over a weekend whose length and intensity would rival my college days.
(HELLO, 3:00 am. Nice to see you again. You may not recognize me - we met briefly several times between 2000 and 2004 - I was the one hanging over the toilet wearing the hipster jeans and Mardi-Gras beads)
One could contend that these actions are evidence of a zombie preparedness fail, but I would counter that the lack of sleep and diet of sour cream and onion potato chips and sweet-tea vodka is excellent preparation for the zombie apocalypse, where a balanced diet and good nights' sleep are next to impossible.
Plus, I bowled a 79, which has to count for something, right?
In this interim, I also learned several valuable things about myself that will undoubtedly contribute to my success when the zombies come.
For example:
My accuracy with a bowling-ball is crude, at best, and this item will NOT make a adequate weapon against zombies. In my hands, at least (I'm sure there's a shot-putt champion out there who could take a zombie out at 50 yards without breaking a sweat)
Also:
I have sweet moves. This may not necessarly translate into zombie survival skills, but I can assure you that if our survival was to be decided by a zombie dance-off to Prince's "Kiss," the story of my victory would be sung by my children's children's children.
However, despite these newfound talents (or lack thereof, when it comes to my manipulation of a bowling ball), I can't help but feel that it's time to jump back on the zombie bandwagon.
Not literally of course - good lord, could imaging climbing into a bandwagon full of ZOMBIES?!? But figuratively, perhaps.
So I will read more of The Zombie Combat Manual and report back when progress towards zombie preparedness has been made.
In the meantime, I need to run to the store. For some reason, we're completely out of sour cream and onion potato chips and sweet-tea vodka.
So I realize that things haven't been very active around here, zombie-wise or other.
I could argue that I didn't have time to blog because I was too busy practicing my zombie head removal technique and digging a moat around the house, but we all know that would be a lie.
In truth, I've been spending the last week working, cleaning the house, and catching up with old friends over a weekend whose length and intensity would rival my college days.
(HELLO, 3:00 am. Nice to see you again. You may not recognize me - we met briefly several times between 2000 and 2004 - I was the one hanging over the toilet wearing the hipster jeans and Mardi-Gras beads)
One could contend that these actions are evidence of a zombie preparedness fail, but I would counter that the lack of sleep and diet of sour cream and onion potato chips and sweet-tea vodka is excellent preparation for the zombie apocalypse, where a balanced diet and good nights' sleep are next to impossible.
Plus, I bowled a 79, which has to count for something, right?
In this interim, I also learned several valuable things about myself that will undoubtedly contribute to my success when the zombies come.
For example:
My accuracy with a bowling-ball is crude, at best, and this item will NOT make a adequate weapon against zombies. In my hands, at least (I'm sure there's a shot-putt champion out there who could take a zombie out at 50 yards without breaking a sweat)
Also:
I have sweet moves. This may not necessarly translate into zombie survival skills, but I can assure you that if our survival was to be decided by a zombie dance-off to Prince's "Kiss," the story of my victory would be sung by my children's children's children.
However, despite these newfound talents (or lack thereof, when it comes to my manipulation of a bowling ball), I can't help but feel that it's time to jump back on the zombie bandwagon.
Not literally of course - good lord, could imaging climbing into a bandwagon full of ZOMBIES?!? But figuratively, perhaps.
So I will read more of The Zombie Combat Manual and report back when progress towards zombie preparedness has been made.
In the meantime, I need to run to the store. For some reason, we're completely out of sour cream and onion potato chips and sweet-tea vodka.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Science. Psssshhhtttt.
Day: I've already lost count
Physical Condition: Sore as shit
Emotional State: Suspicious
Zombie's Killed To Date: 0
If it's hard to prepare for the zombie apocalypse when you're turning 29, then it's especially hard to prepare for the zombie apocalypse when you're turning 29 AND carving up the slopes on a pair of skis.
And yet, that's what I found myself doing over the weekend, proving once and for all that no matter how determined you are to kill zombies, sometimes skiing is just more fun.
C'est la vie
I am still on page 7 of The Zombie Combat Manual. Life, it seems, had other plans for me this past week. But a newly acquired friend of mine (Hi Allie!) forwarded me the following article, which I thought might be some interesting food for thought:
7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)
For the record, I'd like to point out that A) the author uses bad grammar in the title, making me suspicious of the validity of the entire article, 2) the use of science has never amounted to anything important, especially when it comes to zombies, and Sandwich) I strongly suspect, based on the use of bad grammar and "science" (whatever that is), that this article was written by a zombie in the hopes of catching us unprepared.
Still, it's an interesting read (yanno...if you believe in zombie science)
So enjoy the article, for what it's worth, and hopefully I'll have time to read more of The Zombie Combat Manual tonight.
Of course, if I happen to read more of The Zombie Combat Manual WHILE imbibing in that glass (or 3) of wine in the fridge that has my name written all over it...
You might be in for a whopper of a post tonight.
Stay tuned...
Physical Condition: Sore as shit
Emotional State: Suspicious
Zombie's Killed To Date: 0
If it's hard to prepare for the zombie apocalypse when you're turning 29, then it's especially hard to prepare for the zombie apocalypse when you're turning 29 AND carving up the slopes on a pair of skis.
And yet, that's what I found myself doing over the weekend, proving once and for all that no matter how determined you are to kill zombies, sometimes skiing is just more fun.
C'est la vie
I am still on page 7 of The Zombie Combat Manual. Life, it seems, had other plans for me this past week. But a newly acquired friend of mine (Hi Allie!) forwarded me the following article, which I thought might be some interesting food for thought:
7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)
For the record, I'd like to point out that A) the author uses bad grammar in the title, making me suspicious of the validity of the entire article, 2) the use of science has never amounted to anything important, especially when it comes to zombies, and Sandwich) I strongly suspect, based on the use of bad grammar and "science" (whatever that is), that this article was written by a zombie in the hopes of catching us unprepared.
Still, it's an interesting read (yanno...if you believe in zombie science)
So enjoy the article, for what it's worth, and hopefully I'll have time to read more of The Zombie Combat Manual tonight.
Of course, if I happen to read more of The Zombie Combat Manual WHILE imbibing in that glass (or 3) of wine in the fridge that has my name written all over it...
You might be in for a whopper of a post tonight.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I Gotz Billz To Pay
I have a dilemma.
I'm fully aware that the zombie apocalypse will end civilization as we know it, meaning that, if it occurs before next Wednesday, my efforts spent on work will have come to naught, and I'll be cursing the gods for wasting valuable pre-zombie apocalypse time writing about [insert boring medical condition here] instead of educating myself.
However.
If the zombie apocalypse does not occur before next Wednesday, and I abandon this project for zombie preparedness, I will have some truely disgruntled clients who will doubtless cease to use me, and I'll have to start hooking (again) to pay the rent.
I would also like to point out that the time between now and next Wednesday also includes my birthday, and we all know how I feel about cake...
which is decidedly less enthusiastic than I feel about turning 29, which is 1 year from 30, which is just plain old.
So if the zombie apocalypse DOES come, I will miss out on delicious cake, but at the same point, avoid turning 29.
In short, either possibility has benefits and drawbacks, but in the end, I feel that work takes precedence, lest I be forced to return to the mean streets to make a living performing unspeakable sexual acts on strangers.
(mom...if you're reading this...I'm totally kidding. I've never had sex. Ever)
I'm sure you all understand.
In the meantime, Mikey the Horse will be standing watch in my absence.
He hates zombies.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Zombies and You: Common Misconceptions
Allright.
I'm up to page 7 of The Zombie Combat Manual and I already feel compelled to impart a bit of zombie wisdom...to school you in all matters zombie, if you will. Apparently, there are some common misconceptions regarding zombies that, according to our author, "have led to the deaths of those who, believing them to be a reality, met their unfortunate end"
Thus I feel an urgent need to lay these myths to rest, if only to alleviate any guilt I might feel when you become a zombie snack.
Misconception 1: Zombies can run
I think I speak for all of us here when I say, thank f*cking god. I mean, I'm quick like a bunny and all, but the thought of having to out-run a zombie who's coming at me at mach 15 (a la Dawn of the Dead) truly makes me want to shit my proverbial and literal pants. Our author assures me that "an undead corpse with both legs intact moves at a maximum speed of just under 3 miles per hour." THAT, I can handle. Shuffle away, you zombie bastards. Shuffle away.
Misconception 2: Zombies feed only on human brains
No shit. I feel that anyone who is relatively well-versed on today's zombie flicks acknowledges that "any part of the human body that comes within range of an undead attacker's clutches is literally up for grabs." (funny, Rodger Ma...funny) However this knowledge, while apparent to most, is no less frightening. You show me an entity that wants to eat my face, and I'll show you an image of my backside running away at...well...any pace greater than 3 mph.
Misconception 3: Zombies retain memories of their past human lives
In other words, if you're bitten, I'm going to shoot you. And if I'm bitten, I'm okay with you shooting me. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to morph into something that cannot appreciate the genius of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Or cake (obviously).
Misconception 4: Zombies can be trained
I'm not entirely sure this is a misconception. Have any of you been to the DMV?!?
Misconception 5: Zombies have evolving intelligence
Hooray! Zombies won't figure out how to work that doorknob! The bad news? They'll still go straight through your window (assuming they don't feel pain - a topic that is not addressed in this section).
Misconception 6: The most practical way to neutralize a zombie is with a firearm
"The most effective way to neutralize a zombie is with a firearm shot into the braincase, but it is not the most practical...silent, easily mastered, and requiring no additional resources, the most practical method of eliminating a ghoul is via a hand-based weapon" I like this guy's style. I'm gonna be like a motherfucking ninja up in this bitch. I will get all kinds of silent-but-deadly up on their zombie asses. I'll be like a thief in the motherfucking night. I'll shank a bitch and then get back in the lunchline with my plastic tray like it never fucking happened.
HELL YEAH I'm gonna slap the shit out of a zombie!!!! BRING IT, BITCHES
(clearly, the thought of hand-to-hand combat gets me a tad fired up. My apologies)
Misconception 7: Only superior athletes/martial artists/soldiers can survive a zombie attack
They say the best way not to get eaten by a zombie is to be the second slowest member of your party. Or maybe that's the best way not to get eaten by a bear?
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I also don't know how accurate the above statement is, but suffice to say, if I was hanging out with Lance Armstrong, Jackie Chan, and a 5-star general, I think we all know who would be eaten first. Perhaps you don't have to be a superior athlete, martial artist, or soldier to survive a zombie attack, but I'm sure it increases your odds of success. Fuck the author, my ass is learning Tae-Kwan-Do.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I also don't know how accurate the above statement is, but suffice to say, if I was hanging out with Lance Armstrong, Jackie Chan, and a 5-star general, I think we all know who would be eaten first. Perhaps you don't have to be a superior athlete, martial artist, or soldier to survive a zombie attack, but I'm sure it increases your odds of success. Fuck the author, my ass is learning Tae-Kwan-Do.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Because I Still Haven't Read That Damn Zombie Guide Yet
It's coming at you....slowly, limbs dragging, slack-jawed and dead-eyed.
No, it's not a zombie.
It's a SUPERMODEL!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
While Supermodels may not be the living dead...they're awfully close, and in some ways, a heck of a lot scarier.
Read this quick guide* on how to differentiate between a zombie and a supermodel.
Either way, you'll still probably end up hacking their head off with a chainsaw, but at least you'll know whether they're chasing you for your brains...or that baggie of blow in your back pocket.
No, it's not a zombie.
It's a SUPERMODEL!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
While Supermodels may not be the living dead...they're awfully close, and in some ways, a heck of a lot scarier.
Read this quick guide* on how to differentiate between a zombie and a supermodel.
Either way, you'll still probably end up hacking their head off with a chainsaw, but at least you'll know whether they're chasing you for your brains...or that baggie of blow in your back pocket.
*guide courtesy of an old childhood friend. Fun fact: Every time I go in Bath & Body Works I think of this chick, who gave me seabreeze body gel when "body gel" was first invented. Like, seriously, there was a time when everybody just used bars of soap. She gave me the bottle and I was like, "WTF am I suppsed to do with it? eat it?" Little did I know I was holding the future of body hygiene in my hands.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Why Zombie Killers Are Cooler Than Pirates (Vol. 1)
Day: 1
Physical Condition: No as caffeinated as I'd like
Emotional State: Better than a pirate
Zombie's Killed To Date: 0
I have two VERY GOOD reasons for the below comparison: 1) my sister has YET to post her pirate blog, and I'm hoping the inevitable conclusion will light a fire under her pantaloons, and 2) I haven't actually started reading The Zombie Combat Manual yet, so I have no material for today's post, per se.
I know, I know - epic zombie preparedness fail.
The below comparison of Pirates and Ninjas was published in my sister's pirate guide, The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer. Now, those of you who know me will recognize that this is a touchy subject, as I have claimed to be a ninja on several occasions, and any book declaring that Ninjas lose to Pirates makes me EXTREMELY stabby. However, for today's post, I intend on adding a third category: Zombie Killer.
Let's see how they compare, shall we?
DRESS
Ninja: Black jammies
Pirate: Flamboyant silks and colorful coats, sashes, tricorn hats, plumes, and shiny things!
Zombie Killer: Camo fatigues, ass-kicking boots, rags fashioned into sweatbands (a la Rambo), and shoulder straps full of ammo
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: Allright - I'll give you that one. Nothing beats silks, plumes, and shiny things. Nothing.
ACCOUTREMENTS
Ninja: None
Pirate: Peglegs, eye patches, hooks
Zombie Killer: A zombie head on a stick as a warning to other zombies
Who wins? Zombie killer (obviously)
DRINK
Ninja: Sake
Pirate: Rum, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: The blood of zombies. Or any hard alcohol found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Zombie Killer. I'm all about variety on this one
WEAPONS (why bother? This won't even be a contest)
Ninja: Throwing stars, "ninja-ken" long knives
Pirate: Cutlass, cannon, pistol, blunderbuss, rume, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: Long range weapons, bare hands
Who wins? Oh, I think we know.
FOOD
Ninja: Rice, sushi
Pirate: Boucan, loboscouse, burgoo, plum duff
Zombie Killer: Mystery cans found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: I don't even know what plum duff is, but it sounds delicious
STYLE
Ninja: Stealthy
Pirate: Bombastic
Zombie Killer: IN YO' FACE
Who wins? Tie between Pirate and Zombie Killer
Editor's note: Bombastic is an awesome word! I'm going to try to use it every day!
VOLUME
Ninja: Silent
Pirate: "Eleven"
Zombie Killer: If a zombie is killed, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Who wins? Zombie Killer (extra points for waxing philosophical)
MOVIES
Ninja: Enter the Dragon
Pirate: Pirates of the Caribbean
Zombie Killer: Dawn of the Dead, Zombie Land, Zombie Strippers...to name a few
Who wins? Zombie Killer, clearly
Final Score:
Ninja: 0
Pirate: 2.5
Zombie Killer: 5.5
Well there ya go. This highly rigorous, evidence-based, double-blind comparison study reveals that Zombie Killers are at least twice as awesome as Pirates. Emily, try not to be too upset that you're blog is destined to be a 2.5 to my 5.5....we can't ALL be winners.
Lily out.
Physical Condition: No as caffeinated as I'd like
Emotional State: Better than a pirate
Zombie's Killed To Date: 0
I have two VERY GOOD reasons for the below comparison: 1) my sister has YET to post her pirate blog, and I'm hoping the inevitable conclusion will light a fire under her pantaloons, and 2) I haven't actually started reading The Zombie Combat Manual yet, so I have no material for today's post, per se.
I know, I know - epic zombie preparedness fail.
The below comparison of Pirates and Ninjas was published in my sister's pirate guide, The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer. Now, those of you who know me will recognize that this is a touchy subject, as I have claimed to be a ninja on several occasions, and any book declaring that Ninjas lose to Pirates makes me EXTREMELY stabby. However, for today's post, I intend on adding a third category: Zombie Killer.
Let's see how they compare, shall we?
DRESS
Ninja: Black jammies
Pirate: Flamboyant silks and colorful coats, sashes, tricorn hats, plumes, and shiny things!
Zombie Killer: Camo fatigues, ass-kicking boots, rags fashioned into sweatbands (a la Rambo), and shoulder straps full of ammo
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: Allright - I'll give you that one. Nothing beats silks, plumes, and shiny things. Nothing.
ACCOUTREMENTS
Ninja: None
Pirate: Peglegs, eye patches, hooks
Zombie Killer: A zombie head on a stick as a warning to other zombies
Who wins? Zombie killer (obviously)
DRINK
Ninja: Sake
Pirate: Rum, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: The blood of zombies. Or any hard alcohol found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Zombie Killer. I'm all about variety on this one
WEAPONS (why bother? This won't even be a contest)
Ninja: Throwing stars, "ninja-ken" long knives
Pirate: Cutlass, cannon, pistol, blunderbuss, rume, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: Long range weapons, bare hands
Who wins? Oh, I think we know.
FOOD
Ninja: Rice, sushi
Pirate: Boucan, loboscouse, burgoo, plum duff
Zombie Killer: Mystery cans found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: I don't even know what plum duff is, but it sounds delicious
STYLE
Ninja: Stealthy
Pirate: Bombastic
Zombie Killer: IN YO' FACE
Who wins? Tie between Pirate and Zombie Killer
Editor's note: Bombastic is an awesome word! I'm going to try to use it every day!
VOLUME
Ninja: Silent
Pirate: "Eleven"
Zombie Killer: If a zombie is killed, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Who wins? Zombie Killer (extra points for waxing philosophical)
MOVIES
Ninja: Enter the Dragon
Pirate: Pirates of the Caribbean
Zombie Killer: Dawn of the Dead, Zombie Land, Zombie Strippers...to name a few
Who wins? Zombie Killer, clearly
Final Score:
Ninja: 0
Pirate: 2.5
Zombie Killer: 5.5
Well there ya go. This highly rigorous, evidence-based, double-blind comparison study reveals that Zombie Killers are at least twice as awesome as Pirates. Emily, try not to be too upset that you're blog is destined to be a 2.5 to my 5.5....we can't ALL be winners.
Lily out.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The Rules, About Me, and a Grilled Cheese Sandwich
So now you're at the point - I'm assuming - where you're thinking to yourself A) this woman undoubtedly should be medicated, and B) I could really go for a grilled cheese sandwich.
Because zombie talk ALWAYS gives one a hankering for a grilled cheese sandwich, no?
And while I can't do much about getting you that grilled cheese sandwich, I can assure you that 2 out of 3 medical professionals* feel that pharmacologic intervention, at this point, is unnecessary.
*one of these medical professionals may or may not be my dog
ONWARD!
The Rules:
For the remainder of the year, I will essentially be preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. For now, preparations for this much-anticipated event will be largely guided by The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead by Roger Ma, mostly because it's an awesome book but also becasue my ass is po' and I'm too cheap to purchase additional zombie preparedness guides.
Although I anticipate that much of this preparation will involve physical conditioning, homestead reinforcement, and the development of hand-to-hand combat skillz (yes, with a "z"), it is not entirely out of the realm of possibility that I might include posts about cakes, pies and various pastries. It is no secret that I am a fan of desserts, and I invite you to join me in random bouts of celebration for the glorious substance otherwise known as sugar. For the remainder of the posts, please feel free to point out alternative arrangements or present your OWN ideas on zombie preparedness - as long as your ideas aren't better than mine, because I'm a poor and violent loser who will likely track you down and stab you in the face for your insolence.
No offense, of course.
As a side-note, I would also like to point out that while I am living 2011 in a state of adrenaline-fueled zombie readiness, my sister will be living the glorious life of a pirate. I will post a link to this blog when she develops it, but I don't have it yet, because she's kind of a slacker, which is okay, because I've heard that most pirates were slackers. Still, let it be said for the record that despite her festively piratish dress and regular consumption of rum, she will probably be the FIRST ONE to die in the zombie apocalypse, and there's not a lot I can do about it.
About Me:
While reading this blog, my tone and vernacular will likely cause you to conclude that I am a large, African American male from an impoverished urban area. However, allow me to assure you that despite my liberal use of slang, I am in fact a smallish Caucasian female, happily married in her late 20s, employed as a freelance writer on matters that are not nearly as important (or riveting) as zombie preparedness.
My husband, an extremely tolerant man who bears my ridiculousness with good-natured vexation, will be largely absent from these posts to maintain his good standing within the community.
I have many pets. Two dogs, who will henceforth be referred to as The Professor and Zombie Bait (I feel the names speak for themselves), and two cats, who have been renamed for the purposes of this blog Weapon #1 and Weapon #2, in that I plan on throwing them at any zombies that may enter my domicile. I also have a horse. His name is Mikey, and I feel a pseudo-name is unnecessary. He will be my right-hand man in these trying times; as we speak, he is preparing for the zombie apocalypse by eating, dozing, and pooping.
He and I have a lot in common.
I feel that's enough for one day. Too much information can be overwhelming, and I want each of you as fresh as a f*cking daisy for this zombie preparedness adventure we are about to undertake.
In the meantime, I encourage each and every one of you to consider your own defenses against brain-eating zombies...perhaps while consuming a grilled cheese sandwich.
Lily out.
Because zombie talk ALWAYS gives one a hankering for a grilled cheese sandwich, no?
And while I can't do much about getting you that grilled cheese sandwich, I can assure you that 2 out of 3 medical professionals* feel that pharmacologic intervention, at this point, is unnecessary.
*one of these medical professionals may or may not be my dog
ONWARD!
The Rules:
For the remainder of the year, I will essentially be preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. For now, preparations for this much-anticipated event will be largely guided by The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead by Roger Ma, mostly because it's an awesome book but also becasue my ass is po' and I'm too cheap to purchase additional zombie preparedness guides.
Although I anticipate that much of this preparation will involve physical conditioning, homestead reinforcement, and the development of hand-to-hand combat skillz (yes, with a "z"), it is not entirely out of the realm of possibility that I might include posts about cakes, pies and various pastries. It is no secret that I am a fan of desserts, and I invite you to join me in random bouts of celebration for the glorious substance otherwise known as sugar. For the remainder of the posts, please feel free to point out alternative arrangements or present your OWN ideas on zombie preparedness - as long as your ideas aren't better than mine, because I'm a poor and violent loser who will likely track you down and stab you in the face for your insolence.
No offense, of course.
As a side-note, I would also like to point out that while I am living 2011 in a state of adrenaline-fueled zombie readiness, my sister will be living the glorious life of a pirate. I will post a link to this blog when she develops it, but I don't have it yet, because she's kind of a slacker, which is okay, because I've heard that most pirates were slackers. Still, let it be said for the record that despite her festively piratish dress and regular consumption of rum, she will probably be the FIRST ONE to die in the zombie apocalypse, and there's not a lot I can do about it.
About Me:
While reading this blog, my tone and vernacular will likely cause you to conclude that I am a large, African American male from an impoverished urban area. However, allow me to assure you that despite my liberal use of slang, I am in fact a smallish Caucasian female, happily married in her late 20s, employed as a freelance writer on matters that are not nearly as important (or riveting) as zombie preparedness.
My husband, an extremely tolerant man who bears my ridiculousness with good-natured vexation, will be largely absent from these posts to maintain his good standing within the community.
I have many pets. Two dogs, who will henceforth be referred to as The Professor and Zombie Bait (I feel the names speak for themselves), and two cats, who have been renamed for the purposes of this blog Weapon #1 and Weapon #2, in that I plan on throwing them at any zombies that may enter my domicile. I also have a horse. His name is Mikey, and I feel a pseudo-name is unnecessary. He will be my right-hand man in these trying times; as we speak, he is preparing for the zombie apocalypse by eating, dozing, and pooping.
He and I have a lot in common.
I feel that's enough for one day. Too much information can be overwhelming, and I want each of you as fresh as a f*cking daisy for this zombie preparedness adventure we are about to undertake.
In the meantime, I encourage each and every one of you to consider your own defenses against brain-eating zombies...perhaps while consuming a grilled cheese sandwich.
Lily out.
Introduction
This all started as a Christmas gift gone horribly, awesomely wrong.
My sister, Emily, bought my husband and I two books for Christmas: The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead by Rodger MA, and The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer by John “Ol Chumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers. And then Emily, who is lightly employed, at best, and spends enormous quantities of time transporting herself and her cat – a sensitive creature prone to bouts of diarrhea and projectile vomiting – between our mother’s house and mine, promptly took back these books and started reading them herself.
Truly a model of selflessness, this one.
So we were sitting at the kitchen table on January 2nd of this year of our Lord, 2011, and she suddenly said to me, “You know, I should really just start living like a pirate this year. I think it could do me some good.” I of course replied with enthusiasm. I mean why not? She has nothing if not time on her hands and if I may say so myself, carries herself with a bit of swashbuckling panache anyway, so why not explore this side of her personality?
I, on the other hand, am somewhat intense and have been known to shank a bitch when necessary, so it was only a matter of time before she recommended that while she was exploring her pirate side, perhaps I might spend my time preparing for the zombie apocalypse?
And of course we would blog about our experiences, because we are both writers at heart and extremely narcissistic, which lends well to blogging.
So there you have it. While my sister explores puffy sleeves and excessive rum drinking, I will be mastering the art of roundhouse kicking a zombie’s head off.
She pointed out that her lifestyle will be significantly more fun than mine, but I guess that all depends on your definition of fun. Fortunately, I find violence to be cathartic and my ass looks fantastic in camo print.
Thus starts our voyage into a future where the living dead walk the planet in search of brains, and I avoid such creatures with ninja-like stealth and agility. It’s bound to be an interesting ride, so I invite you to come along and perhaps even join me in my preparation for the zombie apocalypse. Because when they come- and they will come - excuse my profanity, but shit will get extremely fucking real.
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