So, you guys...
I can't help but notice that the zombie apocalypse has kind of, sort of started in my house in the form of a much less deadly but equally creepy stink bug invasion.
How are stink bugs like zombies, you ask?
FACT:
The stink bugs are amassing an army of slow-moving soldiers intent on coming in to my house. Fortunately, unlike zombies, once they're in my house they dont really *do* anything (other than fly into lights and drop unexpectedly into my salad). But that's beside the point.
FACT:
Stink bugs are hardy and difficult to kill. We caught one and put it in with our snake, Holiday, and he lived, not moving or eating, for about 2 weeks before he - we believe - took his own life in Holiday's water bowel. And last night I threw one in the toilet, closed the lid, and flushed. Sure enough - the little fucker was still in there this morning. I'm pretty sure if you tried to flush a zombie down the toilet he'd still be there in the morning, which is essentially proof positive that zombies and stink bugs are practically the same entity.
Stink bugs = Zombies of the insect world.
I'm honestly about as unprepared to deal with the stink bug apocalypse as I am with the zombie apocalypse. I have no weapons, other than my bare hands and eeew, I didn't get married to kill my own bugs. I have no real safe haven, as they apparently have access to every room in the house. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), civilization has not ceased as we know it, but I'm pretty stink bugs have successfully irritated about 99% of Americans at this point, which has to count for something, doesn't it?
So if this is a zombie apocalypse test, I must admit I failed miserably, and they have broached both my homestead and my delicious salad.
But this uneasy truce that we have developed - this agreement that, when they appear, I squint at them judgingly and warn them that when my husband gets home, there will be hell to pay...
I can't help but wonder if it might be applicable with zombies.
Like, they bust in my house and I'm all, "well, you can hang out and watch TV I guess, but when my husband gets home, he is TOTALLY going to hit you in the face with a shovel. Here...have some chips"
Whatever - I don't really know where I'm going with this. Suffice to say, neither zombies nor stink bugs are welcome in my home, and if I see either of them, I'm going to flush them down the toilet.
There. I have a plan. WIN.
Stinkbugs. The bane of my existence. Their only good characteristic is that they are DUMB AS SHIT. When I find one I scoop it up with a piece paper. Doesn't put up the slightest fight. I then toss it in the toilet and laugh hysterically as it spirals down to Hell.
ReplyDeleteAmazing post! They really are like mini zombies. Lets hope zombies don't smell as bad though
ReplyDeletesmell like bananas and are literally zombie bugs. I went on a rampage and murdered thousands one night, smashing them with massive brooms and whatever else I could find. I swept them into a pile of crippled, crawling little fuckers trying to creep away with their broken limbs failing to work. Eventually I shovelled them into a box and threw them into my woodstove where they collectively let out a shriek and a moan and a crackle. The won't go away and the crazy eye has taken me. Now they're coming back again and harassing me at night, buzzing my head and landing in my sheets. They are zombies and they must be eradicated from this planet before it's too late.
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