Why Zombie Killers Are Cooler Than Pirates (Vol. 1)

Day: 1
Physical Condition: No as caffeinated as I'd like
Emotional State: Better than a pirate
Zombie's Killed To Date: 0

I have two VERY GOOD reasons for the below comparison: 1) my sister has YET to post her pirate blog, and I'm hoping the inevitable conclusion will light a fire under her pantaloons, and 2) I haven't actually started reading The Zombie Combat Manual yet, so I have no material for today's post, per se.
I know, I know - epic zombie preparedness fail.

The below comparison of Pirates and Ninjas was published in my sister's pirate guide, The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer. Now, those of you who know me will recognize that this is a touchy subject, as I have claimed to be a ninja on several occasions, and any book declaring that Ninjas lose to Pirates makes me EXTREMELY stabby. However, for today's post, I intend on adding a third category: Zombie Killer.

Let's see how they compare, shall we?

DRESS
Ninja: Black jammies
Pirate: Flamboyant silks and colorful coats, sashes, tricorn hats, plumes, and shiny things!
Zombie Killer: Camo fatigues, ass-kicking boots, rags fashioned into sweatbands (a la Rambo), and shoulder straps full of ammo
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: Allright - I'll give you that one. Nothing beats silks, plumes, and shiny things. Nothing.

ACCOUTREMENTS
Ninja: None
Pirate: Peglegs, eye patches, hooks
Zombie Killer: A zombie head on a stick as a warning to other zombies
Who wins? Zombie killer (obviously)

DRINK
Ninja: Sake
Pirate: Rum, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: The blood of zombies. Or any hard alcohol found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Zombie Killer. I'm all about variety on this one

WEAPONS (why bother? This won't even be a contest)
Ninja: Throwing stars, "ninja-ken" long knives
Pirate: Cutlass, cannon, pistol, blunderbuss, rume, ale, and grog
Zombie Killer: Long range weapons, bare hands
Who wins? Oh, I think we know.

FOOD
Ninja: Rice, sushi
Pirate: Boucan, loboscouse, burgoo, plum duff
Zombie Killer: Mystery cans found while collecting supplies
Who wins? Pirate
Editor's note: I don't even know what plum duff is, but it sounds delicious

STYLE
Ninja: Stealthy
Pirate: Bombastic
Zombie Killer: IN YO' FACE
Who wins? Tie between Pirate and Zombie Killer
Editor's note: Bombastic is an awesome word! I'm going to try to use it every day!

VOLUME
Ninja: Silent
Pirate: "Eleven"
Zombie Killer: If a zombie is killed, and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Who wins? Zombie Killer (extra points for waxing philosophical)

MOVIES
Ninja: Enter the Dragon
Pirate: Pirates of the Caribbean
Zombie Killer: Dawn of the Dead, Zombie Land, Zombie Strippers...to name a few
Who wins? Zombie Killer, clearly

Final Score:
Ninja: 0
Pirate: 2.5
Zombie Killer: 5.5


Well there ya go. This highly rigorous, evidence-based, double-blind comparison study reveals that Zombie Killers are at least twice as awesome as Pirates. Emily, try not to be too upset that you're blog is destined to be a 2.5 to my 5.5....we can't ALL be winners.

Lily out.