Zombies and You: Common Misconceptions

Allright.

I'm up to page 7 of The Zombie Combat Manual and I already feel compelled to impart a bit of zombie wisdom...to school you in all matters zombie, if you will. Apparently, there are some common misconceptions regarding zombies that, according to our author, "have led to the deaths of those who, believing them to be a reality, met their unfortunate end"

Thus I feel an urgent need to lay these myths to rest, if only to alleviate any guilt I might feel when you become a zombie snack.

Misconception 1: Zombies can run

I think I speak for all of us here when I say, thank f*cking god. I mean, I'm quick like a bunny and all, but the thought of having to out-run a zombie who's coming at me at mach 15 (a la Dawn of the Dead) truly makes me want to shit my proverbial and literal pants. Our author assures me that "an undead corpse with both legs intact moves at a maximum speed of just under 3 miles per hour." THAT, I can handle. Shuffle away, you zombie bastards. Shuffle away.

Misconception 2: Zombies feed only on human brains

No shit. I feel that anyone who is relatively well-versed on today's zombie flicks acknowledges that "any part of the human body that comes within range of an undead attacker's clutches is literally up for grabs." (funny, Rodger Ma...funny) However this knowledge, while apparent to most, is no less frightening. You show me an entity that wants to eat my face, and I'll show you an image of my backside running away at...well...any pace greater than 3 mph.

Misconception 3: Zombies retain memories of their past human lives

In other words, if you're bitten, I'm going to shoot you. And if I'm bitten, I'm okay with you shooting me. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to morph into something that cannot appreciate the genius of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Or cake (obviously).

Misconception 4: Zombies can be trained

I'm not entirely sure this is a misconception. Have any of you been to the DMV?!?

Misconception 5: Zombies have evolving intelligence

Hooray! Zombies won't figure out how to work that doorknob! The bad news? They'll still go straight through your window (assuming they don't feel pain - a topic that is not addressed in this section).

Misconception 6: The most practical way to neutralize a zombie is with a firearm

"The most effective way to neutralize a zombie is with a firearm shot into the braincase, but it is not the most practical...silent, easily mastered, and requiring no additional resources, the most practical method of eliminating a ghoul is via a hand-based weapon" I like this guy's style. I'm gonna be like a motherfucking ninja up in this bitch. I will get all kinds of silent-but-deadly up on their zombie asses. I'll be like a thief in the motherfucking night. I'll shank a bitch and then get back in the lunchline with my plastic tray like it never fucking happened.

HELL YEAH I'm gonna slap the shit out of a zombie!!!! BRING IT, BITCHES

(clearly, the thought of hand-to-hand combat gets me a tad fired up. My apologies)

Misconception 7: Only superior athletes/martial artists/soldiers can survive a zombie attack

They say the best way not to get eaten by a zombie is to be the second slowest member of your party. Or maybe that's the best way not to get eaten by a bear?
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I also don't know how accurate the above statement is, but suffice to say, if I was hanging out with Lance Armstrong, Jackie Chan, and a 5-star general, I think we all know who would be eaten first. Perhaps you don't have to be a superior athlete, martial artist, or soldier to survive a zombie attack, but I'm sure it increases your odds of success. Fuck the author, my ass is learning Tae-Kwan-Do.